Surviving Depression

I have a confession to make. I am currently suffering from depression. Depression is not just  about feeling sad and miserable. Depression is a mood disorder which effects you mentally and physically and this combination of psychosomatic manifestations can be so debilitating that at its most severe form causes significant impairment to your daily functioning. Depression drains all your energy and makes you loose your passion for everything in life and the only thing you're thinking of is dying. That's how severe depression can be, so the next time your friend tells you he's depressed, try to be more understanding. Depression is not a sign of weakness, depression is a disease and needs urgent intervention to prevent the worse ending for a severely depressed person, suicide. In case you're wondering, here are some of the symptoms a depressed person might be suffering from (taken from DSM-IV criteria for diagnosing major depressive episode): 

1. Depressed mood and in children and adolescents may manifest as irritable mood. To tell you the truth, i suffer from both. I find myself getting cranky these days, small insignificant things irritate me, i hate people for no apparent reason, i feel angry without a logical explanation. Anger drains your energy, it makes you tired and lethargic and all that negative energy inside of me doesn't burst out but digs deeper and deeper making me even more miserable than ever. I feel sad especially when i'm online, i just don't understand why i can't be happy like most of my friends.
2. Anhedonia. A word that means severe lack of interest or pleasure in all or almost all things that you usually find pleasurable and exciting. I am a movie buff, i've been planning to watch a number of movies before they announce the winner for this year's Golden Globe tonight. I tried watching a movie the other day but after 10 minutes, I find myself thinking about another movie and in the end I just switched off the TV and went to sleep and never watched another movie since then. I love cooking, i cooked the other day, in fact i'm cooking right now while i'm writing this article but cooking just feels like an automatic, passionless activity, i just hope i won't end up ruining lunch today. Exercise is good to elevate your mood, when you exercise, your body releases endorphin that makes you happy. I enjoy swimming but every small details about the pool irritates me that going there just seems worthless.
3. Insomnia or hypersomnia. Insomnia means lack of sleep and hypersomnia means excessive sleeping. I find it hard to sleep these days, just the other day, i was wide awake up to 4 o'clock n the morning, i blamed it on the glass of frappucino i had but the more i think about it, it's just depression kicking in. Last night, i slept at 9 and after that, wakes up every 2 hours for no apparent reason.
4. Psychomotor agitation or retardation. I worry about ten thousand things but I can't find a single real thing that needs worrying. Restlessness takes joy away from life. You're constantly agitated and the symptoms are just terrible: cold sweats, dry skin, burning throat, trembling fingers, blurry eyes. You keep having these nightmares, some so real you wake panting but glad it was all just a dream.
5. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness.I find writing on my blog increasingly difficult these days. A simple page which I can usually finish in a single seating now takes a few days to complete. I was hungry just now but couldn't decide where to go for lunch, i keep changing my mind that my friend gets irritated and I finally settled for something I don't really want. The problem is I keep forgetting what I had for lunch just now. I'm still not sure what will happen tomorrow when I start working, can I make it through the day?
6. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt. I may have done something I shouldn't have but obsessing about how I shouldn't have done it in the first place is just not normal. I have all the reasons to feel worthless: i feel ugly, poor, unappreciated, despicable. I feel that i've wronged so many people and I keep asking my close friends if for any reason i might have caused them to hate me. A simple word or even no word at all is mistaken as a sign of hate and resentment. Are they real or am I just being delusional?
7. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain. I think i've gained a few kilos over the past few days from eating at irregular hours, too much sugar and fat and not going for any exercises. I just feel tired most of the time and going for my regular swim just seems worthless. My sugar craving becomes uncontrollable, I had donuts (lots of them), bars of chocolates and super sweet ice blended whatevers. I've been avoiding the weighing scales lately but my bulging waist tells me that i'm gaining even more weight i've ever gained these past few months. 

Some may write this off as an attempt to gain everyone's attention. I don't need attention, I don't need your sympathy and this is NOT a desperate cry for help. I just need to explain to my friends why i'm feeling a bit down lately. I'm sick and i need time to recover. In the mean time, I hope all my friends will bear with my occasional tantrums and if at any time you feel like abandoning me, feel free to do so. I won't blame anyone, I only blame myself.